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Clawwer

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I decided to make one of these threads to talk about my life and what I do basically, because my life has a habit of overindulging in drama.

So for now I'm just gonna write a bit about some things about me. Really I'm typing whatever comes to my head first, so don't judge me on this. (Though if you're the kind of person who judges others personal ramblings, you're probably an ass hole.)

I'm 16 currently, living in a small town in Australia. I've been officially diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression and Aspergers (and suicidal tendencies, but that's just me). I live my life day by day, cause' if I think about the future I pretty much throw up, there's too much to do and so many expectations. I'm actually very relaxed online, it's in real life that I let myself freak out, but if your a friend you'd see I love just being chill and doing relaxed things, which is kinda difficult for me. Music is my life in all terms, I listen to it probably for probably 4 hours every day, not even exaggerating and I play the drums any chance I get, I also do vocals but that's just me alone in my garage. My favorite genres would have to be; Metal, Deathcore, Post-Hardcore, Metalcore, Rap-Rock/Metal, Rap, Stoner Metal, Stoner Rock annnnnnnnd some electronic. So as you can see, I'm a metal* junkie. I can talk for hours about bands and vocal and songs and everything. I'm a philosophical guy, I question everything and why we are here and I seem like quite the nihilist if you care enough to talk to me about existence (I won't shut up about it, seriously). I swear like a sailor all the time, though I tone it down here obviously, I don't want to get banned for something as trivial as that.

Now here comes the big bit, I'm a transgender male! Which basically means I was born a girl and my sex is female, however I identify as male and dress as a male and go by male and I am basically a boy in a girls body, which is so much fun. (Also if any of you start using female pronouns on me now you are also an ass hole.)

As for my life at the moment, it's been up and down. I've recently been back into self-harm and can't seem to bring myself to stop, so that's a downer but I have moved to a new school recently and everything is amazing there. My parents are in the middle of a split and I barely see my father, though I'm planning on staying with him, so that is also stressful but I try not to worry about it too much. I'm lazy like a normal teenager x10 right now and I really cannot get any work done, so my school work is in a bit of a mess. Currently I've been getting myself into Nine Inch Nails and Tool and I've been absolutely in love with it, I've been listening to Closer by NIN on repeat and ugh I can't get enough of it. That's all I've got at the moment. Really.

* Using Metal as an umbrella term.
 
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Faust

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I've found with self harm, is that it can help if you can stop a moment (I know its hard) and think, why am I doing this? What are my triggers? Do you know yours? My biggest one is when I feel like I have no voice or say, or any choice in what's going on around me, when no one's listening to me. That's when I want to do it the most. If I can identify that, and make myself breath, sometimes I can stop. Do you have a preferred method? Is it calculated or a bit rash? Mine can be both but it depends on the situation. If you're comfortable with saying, do you know the suicidal thoughts triggers too? Mine are similar to my self harm triggers, but usually i'm in a state where nothing I say or do will make sense, not really listening to reason. I can't comment too much on the trans aspect. I consider myself gender queer, but I've never really felt like I was unhappy with my female body. Sometimes I would like to be a man, but not always. Yet I'm more masculine on the gender scale. It's certainly weird. I doubt anyone will refer to you as female. Number one rule here is respect, after all.
 

Clawwer

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I understand where you're coming from with the self harm Ice (figured that's what you like to be called), and I always try to stop and breath whenever something triggers me into thinking about it (When ever some one yells at me or gets extremely mad is a big trigger, which happened literally 5 minutes ago as I write this and I am trying not to let it get to me but I'm not doing a very good job) but at this moment in time, I really don't want to stop, I just don't feel the need to stop myself hurting myself at this time, and I don't really care if I bleed. That's the biggest problem I have now, even with the suicidal tendencies, I just don't care, I have a total lack of feeling for others or myself and I know that's pretty dangerous.

But with that "I don't care" aspect, I can talk about it freely without feeling awkward or gross, so I'll go in-depth about my thoughts and triggers, just for you Ice.
I find whenever I feel the need to self-harm, it's by impulse to cope with something bad that's happened. If a friend gets mad at me or if my mother yells it really frightens me and I cope with that fear by self harm, it makes me feel brave. That's basically the whole thing, I'm scared all the time so the self harm is more or less an escape from that, a thing I can do to make myself feel brave and accomplished, to me it's a 'talent', my ability to disregard my entire being and to just harm the very thing that makes up all of who I am, it pleases me to do that, it feels good. The suicidal tendencies appear when my fear goes to far, when I can't control what's happening and when I can't escape it (e.g. my whole life) and whenever things like that happen, I immediately dream of death, I'm too much of a coward to not take the easy way out, so that idea comes up a lot, along with many many failed attempts.

I try not to focus on the trans* thing, since I know it can easily add to my many triggers if I let it grow too much in me, I just live as a boy and try my hardest to block out anyone who says otherwise. If there is a time where I have to be a girl (which is everyday) I just let it slide by, though it does hurt me a lot inside, at the end of the day everything else overshadows the thing that should be the biggest of my worries.


But anyway, I do feel good sometimes, and at the moment I do not want to die, I've been going up and down like I said, I'm sure things may get better, because it sure hasn't been the worst I've gone through lately, though knowing my luck the roller-coaster that is my life may drop, we'll never know until it happens, so until then, thanks for talking to me about this Ice.
 
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ShadowCat13

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I hope this topic can help you some. I cant really say anything about the self harm stuff, but I suffer from Depresson and Anxiety myself. The anxiety can hit me bad at times when it am thinking of getting out of the house for a bit. So I can understand how you could want to live in the now and not worry about the future. I think trying to prepare for later is good, but to not let it make you hide in a corner. What you do now will have a lasting effect for you. If you can I do hope you will manage to get your school work done. I myself had that problem, of not being able to do the work or care about it. I ended up dropping out of school when I was 17. I don't feel it was the wrong thing for me at the time, I could barley stay at school a couple hours with out my anxieties making physically ill, but I do regret it came to that.

Have you even seen a Therapist for it? If you find one you are comfortable talking to it may help. I saw one when I as at my worst years ago. At times I still feel I could use one.

If you want to be considered Male that's cool :) I have no problem with that. If that's what make you feel comfortable and happy then I don't see why anyone else should care. I'm not trans but I do love boys clothes, so much more comfy then girls stuff most of the time.
 

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Like ShadowCat, I would recommend getting some help from therapy. Do you have any experience with that, Faust?
 

Faust

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@TMS - Beyond what I learned in my college psychology courses, not really. I've been... extremely resistant to the idea of going myself. In part, I worry that my limited 'knowledge' might taint the experience, where I might feel like, 'I know what you're trying to do, it won't work on me', which is stupid. Also, I worry that I'm just not open to it, or that I won't be able to handle it. I can be pretty sensitive, and get defensive when I feel attacked. I think I'd end up pumping a loooot of time if I ever do eventually go.

I know SC's said to me many times that it takes a few appointment to see/feel/notice the difference and the help it can bring. I'm just... stubborn. <_<

@Clawwer - I understand the feeling to not want to stop. I can feel like that too. What I like about it is that I have control. I do something to my body, and it listens. Its one of the few things that does. I have control over that. I know it's not healthy in the long run though, so even though sometimes I really want to do it, I try and force myself to stop, though I get that can be hard if you don't have the 'drive' to stop.

As for suicidal impulses, I don't really think there is an easy way out. The human body is... very resistant. It really tries its hardest to keep us alive. Which I suppose is a good thing when there's people like us who can want to do things to it that are detrimental to survival. When I do feel seriously suicidal, I'll look up webpages of survival, or just something to talk me out of it. Even if I don't really actually want to listen to it at the time. It's a distraction. Something to read. And usually the heat ends up going away. That pressure, the drive to want to do it.

I worry that I can come off insensitive when talking about trans, as its such a different world than my own. I definitely feel that you should live as you want to though, to hell with what everyone else thinks. I do a lot of things that most women wouldn't dream of. Like not shaving, for one, and not wearing bras. I guess I'm kind of a naturalist. For the most part, besides the cutting, I leave my body alone.

People stare at my legs when I'm out in shorts, but meh, fuck 'em. And oddly, I've found the most acceptance for my body at the nude beach here. There's so many different people there. No one ever stares. No one makes fun of everyone. You get the whole spectrum. And everyone is so friendly. It's one of my favorite places in Jersey.

I think to some degree though, everyone wants something about their body to be different than it is, though I know it goes to an extreme (obviously) for trans people. For instance, I know that some trans women wish they could menstruate, even though that seems so weird to me. Like... you can be a woman, or a man, and not need to have every part or every experience to still feel like one. Women who get mastectomies for example, or men who are eunuchs. I can say too that as the years go on, things will get better, medically, socially. You're growing up in a really great era I think. My generation and yours are really standing up against the old social norms.
 
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Aether Engine

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Talking things out can certainly be helpful, I really hope you benefit from sharing what you have Clawwer. I'm not sure how relatable my situation is, but maybe it'll help to add. I've been in psychotherapy for about a month, because how how irritable I've been towards some friends, and because of a serious consideration at suicide. I've been diagnosed with “Situational Depression” thus far. I still consider suicide from time to time, and have considered self harm, though I feel thankful I've done nothing to myself so far. I've considered myself too much a coward to do such things at times, but it's a still a danger. And that feeling of not caring can be hard to stave off. Not caring if you die or how it may effect those around you. And I'm not sure there's an easy way to avert that apathy. Sometimes it can feel impossible to swim against the feeling that nothing good is ahead, or that you can't deal with what's ahead. I guess when it come to that you gotta find some way to convince yourself you got something to aim for. Or that there's some way you can break down an make the future work.

Speaking for myself, going for walks (usually while listening to music) tends to help me a lot, I think it might have partially been why my attempt was unsuccessful, as a long walk preceded it, though I have no definite way of knowing. My psychologist said that the back-and-forth left-and-right activity of the legs can help the brain think, so maybe there's something to it.

I have not had dramatic improvement in mood since I started seeking counseling, but as others have noted to me (and some have partially indicate here) it can take awhile to pull up and get into a level state of mind. Other tips when it comes to therapy that I feel are worth repeating. You're not stuck with a shrink. If you start seeing someone and don't feel comfortable talking with them, you can see someone else. And second, when you do start getting therapy, remember that just talking alone won't fix your situation. You need to do things to help change your life, take the words of counsel you get and turn them into reality.

Another note: I left my phone at home when I made my attempt (had big lack of desire to be stopped or bothered by anyone), and nowadays I try to avoid going anywhere without my phone to make sure I can contact family, friends, or a crisis hotline. I recommend always having a way out like that. Maybe you don't think you'll use it, but it's something. You'd be surprise what a little talking and openness can do to help.

When it comes to divorce, I know that's a tough spot to be in. I was around your age when my parents split, and it can definitely be an unpleasant situation, even when everything goes “right”. 7 years later, it can still hit a tender spot for me. Just keep pushing through it though. I'm sure you're loved, and that you got some better days ahead of you. Maybe you're feeling lazy and demotivated, but thankfully you got the structure of school to give you something to do, as hard as it can be to want to get anything done sometimes.

On a less depressing note, all power to you for your gender identity bro! Got no problem considering you to be male, and I hope progressively more people have no problem with it either.
 

Clawwer

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Now, before I make an update I want you all to know I read everything you guys sent me before, I just really don't know how to reply at the moment, but you're all a huge help so thanks so much guys!

Well, where do I start...I'm at school at the moment, so I guess I'll start there. I'm doing horrid at school, but I'm not stressed about it. I don't do my work, I mess around, teachers hate me and I don't care, I have a job that pays well and I am qualified enough now to make a job out of it that I can do for the rest of my life. I'm about to do my Cert II and III which means that I will have enough knowledge to do the job efficiently and to be qualified enough to work at any pharmacy I choose, which is why I really think I'm just wasting my time at school now. I couldn't care less about it, it's not enjoyable to me and I really don't see why I should keep going. I get into a hell lot of fights, just last week I beat a kid bloody for being a huge prick, I don't regret it but I know it was the wrong thing to do. I just don't feel like I belong there anymore, I feel like I'm above all the others at school. While they're all laughing at the word poopy and getting their mothers to pack their lunch for them, I'm fully prepared for adult life. I have 10,000+ saved up so far just for part-time work. I could move out comfortably right now and start working full time whenever I wanted too.

It's a superiority complex that I'm stuck in at the moment, I just don't feel like anyone is worth my time. This has caused me to throw out some of my closest friends recently, simply because it was too difficult to keep them in my life and too difficult to keep them out of my head, they'd always try to figure me out and try and fix me, it was getting very obnoxious for me so I just told them all they were scum and to fuck off. I am a horrible person, aren't I? I mean, I'm aware I am at the moment, I'm being a right prick, but I just don't care. It's like the world has left me extremely bitter at the moment, I'm simply the bad guy to make it easier on me and I am aware of it. Sorry guys. I don't know how else to explain it, so I'm gonna leave it there.

On the plus side, I got a SHITTON of music from my older cousin, like 7 cd's to put on my Ipod. I'm so happy and gosh I can't stop listening to it all. Music does make me quite happy.
ALSO I bought an Ocarina, learned how to play it, then dropped it and broke it. It was quite a crushing moment, considering playing music on it made me quite happy and I was quite attached to it. I don't really want to get a new one now, I'm pretty disheartened about it.

BUT ANOTHER HAPPY THING I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm super excited, my sister is 3 weeks in and I just can't contain myself. We think it's gonna be a little boy and we call him Megatron for now (lol) as a nickname. I'm gonna help raise this kid right, I don't want him to end up like me.


Well, that's about it guys, I'm so happy I can get it off my chest in a place like this, it really helps.
 
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Faust

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Well I can say that life is unpredictable and even though you think you're set for a job anything can happen and luck factors into it pretty big. Ive got 7k in the bank now but once had ovee 10k like you. Then my country's politions screwed us over. Itncam happen anywhere.

People may want to figure you out but that's only because they care though I get why it might seem overwhelming. Yoy may not feel bad now but if youre app was as telling as i think it was, i think saying you dont care is just a cover up. Maybe you dont want to feel because its too hard. But treating people badly for that is wrong, as you know. Especially around your age. I know from personal experience tjat it can really hurt. Mayhe you need to have a talk with them and explain that. Come clean abiut yourself. That you just need to be who you are and not worry about them figuring you out. Even if theyrr trying to because they care.

Of anything let school be fun. I know that's BLASPHEMY but if it weren't for the hole work I really enjoyed learning new things. I miss it a lot now. I'm not going to be too preachy and say you should apologize to your closer friends but that is how I feel. Everyone needs people in their lives, even if distant connections. And maybe it's my quasi socialist outlook but I don't think anyone is better than anyone else. I think everyone has qualities that they exceed in over others and can be equally as interesting as useful.

And btb I don't think that anyone is scum. You're not a bad person and neither were your friends. You're just going through a lot of things that are too much for your developing prefrontal cortex to handle. Your age group, believe it or not, kind of goes through a terrible twos phase while your brain develops.

I guess im a bit sensitive to throwing the friends out because that happened to me in a high school. My best screamed at me in the middle of the hall to fuck off and get out of her life, and it messed me up pretty bad at the time. I'm sure she had reasons, but I don't think it justifies cutting out someone trying to help.

Sorry for the morality lessons. I'm not really trying to guilt you. Just sharing my limited wisdom and knowledge. 😑😧
 
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Clawwer

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Ya know, I look up to you a lot sometimes Ice, you seem to know what you're talking about and you still go through the same stuff as me and I feel like you're now my teacher of stuff whether you like it or not. You help me learn about RPing and Digimon AND life, what more could a brat ask for?

All well, I'll talk about my life now.
I've been up and down, been in hospital, got out of hospital. Remade old friendships, gotten rid of new ones. Lot's of stuff. For the moment I'm not really sad or happy, I'm something in between and so I can't really talk about how I felt in those situations because I dunno, I just can't remember the feeling, I can't explain it. I'm detached I guess but that's okay.

My band got a gig, it went super well we sold merch and that was super amazing. We have fans now. Uh my sisters pregnant so I'm gonna be an uncle to a little boy which is exciting. And I think that's it.

Wait no, I'm doing super bad at school but I sat down with my work education teacher and we figured out what I'm gonna be doing for Year 11 and 12 and it'll be okay so I won't be doing any difficult stuff and I can focus on work and that should be good but my mum didn't like that and took all my stuff away till i start getting A's and B's and that's alright I guess but even when I'm trying my hardest I can only get like C's but that's okay I'm alright.

So yeah, woo!
 

Py687

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Awesome about your band's gig, keep it up. I'm not a great fan of metal (which I assume your band plays) but being able to sell merch must be a good feeling, in addition to the actual playing that is haha.

Being a 16 yr old uncle wow, well, you'll have a couple more years under your belt by the time you start giving advice to the kid eh?

School's difficulty is different for everyone. Do you plan to go to college or I presume go straight into full-time work?
 

Clawwer

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Heh you got it right with the metal band, how'd you know~ But yeah, it was amazing, we made at least $60+ dollars and that's good because we were selling our shirts for $5 each. It was amazing, that gig actually got us another gig with some other local bands and I'm super excited. Really nervous though.

And I know right? I'm gonna be young, but that's okay because then I get to play with the kid a bit longer, and yeah, I'll have gone through a bit more when it's time to start handing out advice, though nothings stopping me from giving him advice now, well I mean her stomach is but the Doctor said he can hear me through it.

I'm terrified of college, I'm having trouble just finishing High School so college is a super scary thought for me, so I'm looking to go straight into full-time work, maybe take a gap year to relax. I'm not completely sure yet, but I guess I should be okay.
 

Clawwer

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Ew things went downhill a little again and I'm feeling horrid so I need to get it out here. I feel super disgusted with myself, like revolted to the point of physical nausea. I got drunk last night, took some pills with my friend but she didn't take it too well and was sick all night, she was just puking and puking and I just feel like shit about it, I know I didn't force her to do anything, she did it all voluntarily but I just feel like shit because I feel like it was my idea and seeing people sick just sets me off and I'm so revolted with myself because I couldn't really do anything and I didn't throw up or feel even remotely sick and I know that's only because I know my limit but I just feel like a disgusting piece of trash and I can't sleep and I can't distract myself and it sucks ew.

Phew needed to get that off my chest
 

Faust

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It sounds like you were there with her. That's something, right? You know where to contact me if you want to talk about it more. I can't promise a message would wake me up but I'll always respond when I do wake up.
 

Py687

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Different people respond to different stimuli, differently. Don't beat yourself about it too much. People don't make the best of decisions when they're sober, and even less when otherwise. However much the responsibility lies on you or her isn't much the problem if you were in the same position as her.

Least, if no one got seriously injured.

The only bone I've to pick would be saying she did it all voluntarily, but I don't know the details (i.e. was she drunk before or after the decision) and it's admittedly a gray line.
 

Clawwer

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Been facin' a lot of bullying at school lately, started to come out as a boy and well, kids can be cruel sometimes, amiright????? I have friends, they're great! Support me no matter what, all accept me no problems, accept me all the time. They protect me and stuff, always watch out for me and keep me out of trouble, but when I'm alone they get me, it's not as bad as most people think it is, fights are fights and I can easily hold my own, I win most of them anyway. It gets to me sometimes that people really think of me as a stupid tranny or a fag, at school it isn't that bad. But when I'm out and about (my rather small town) things get really...bad. Lots of yelling, lots of screaming and whispering, lots of fighting in the alleys when no ones watching, my life is turning into a bad gangster movie. My friends get angry at people for picking on me then they fight them, they get mad at my friends for fighting them so they get them involved too and its basically now two gangs fighting more violently as time progresses, I'm not as afraid as I should be, but I don't want my friends to get hurt. I'm not backin' down though, I'm not gonna show them I'm a pissbaby. I'm more of a man then them. Though, I'm afraid I'm gonna...seriously hurt someone.

I don't expect much help, just wanted to get it off my chest, sorry it's not really well written, my minds a mess right now.

I bet you guys are thinking "stupid hormonal teenagers..." right now, amiright???

Edit: Now I realize why a Strabimon would probably be my partner Faust!
 
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Faust

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I'm sure some of it is hormones, but I think it's mostly cultural, and bad parenting. Closed minds aren't so easily cracked open, and that kind of thing is passed on from parent to child.

I think it's good that you're trying to be more open at school but please be careful. Try not to go out alone and stuff, and avoid alleys? I don't really know much about the area you live in so I'm not sure how easy that is or not.
 
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Clawwer

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Sorry I don't really reply to you guys when you all post advice and things, but I read everything and it's all greatly appreciated that you all take time to listen to the ramblings of a depressed teenager, you guys are truly kind!

Anyway, I don't know how to word this without sounding very negative. But that's what I am at the moment. The world is very grey for me right now, the days are merging together and it's so difficult for me to get out of bed. School work is unexistant and it takes so much effort just to do the tiniest things, writing this now is sapping my strength, and the RP post I made earlier in the day was so difficult, not just to type but because my brain is just shutting down into this blanket of fog and I had to read and reread all the posts over and over before I could string together something to write. I'm so tired all the time and I'm not hungry and it's a chore just drinking water. I'm almost too sad to feel sad, it's just a constant fade in and out, but I did say almost, I'm still feeling a crushing weight on my heart and mind an I'm just losing a battle at the moment.

It doesn't help I've been getting stress sickness, extreme pain in my limbs and headaches that feel like I have tumors, I've been throwing up all the time and I'm just pretty much done at the moment. It's a very crushing feeling because I was just starting to get better but then went downhill again. I've been having suicidal thoughts again and self harm is now an issue again, all in all I'm having a very rough time staying alive. But try not to worry too hard about me, I feel guilty for getting this out. I know I'll be fine again, I keep telling myself that so hopefully I keep listening.

Sorry about the negativity guys, I swear I'll post a happy post in here sometime.
 

Lagarmon

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Good progress is done often in tiny steps. It's a constant battle just trying to maintain that little piece of hope & reason in you, but that piece is worth the struggle. No matter what you post what's important is you're safe. Expressing negativity is natural & letting it out through words is better than some other options people could take. So feel free to vent here or just to yourself in little small speeches. Atleast that's what I've seen, heard & done to get results. Good luck!
 
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