The Knight and Angel Chronicles

Ricku28

Ain't got no mojo...
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This is a fanfic I've been writing, I would like a bit more feedback on it, so I'm posting it here.
Oh, and before I forget, for the purpose of this fic, the Digital Hazard is something tangible with powers, there's a guy on Fanfiction that won't leave me alone about how it 'stands on shaky canonical ground.' It's a fanfiction, so get over it. Takato X Hikari pairing, Hazard Takato.
 

Ricku28

Ain't got no mojo...
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The Knight and Angel Chronicles

In a world of darkness, existing parallel to a world of dreams. Neither of them knew each other, how they got here, or even where 'here' was.

"Hello?" A boy cries out in the dark.

"Hello." He hears the hopeful reply.

Heading in the direction of the voice, he saw a girl. She had brown hair and, he saw when she looked up at him, her eyes were brown as well. She seemed to be about Four years old, the same age as him. Oh, and she was emitting light.

When the girl looked up, she saw a boy with brown hair and soft red eyes.

"Are you an Angel?" The boy asked, "My mommy told me that if I was in trouble or lost, that my angel would save me."

"N-no..." The girl replied timidly.

"Well... there's no reason I can't help you. My daddy read stories about knights who saved people when they were in danger, maybe I can be your knight." The boy told her as he held out his hand. "We can find our way out of this darkness together."

"Y-you would do that?" The girl asked.

"Of course, why wouldn't I?" The boy tilted his head in confusion.

"Thank you." The girl smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. She reached for his hand, and when the two touched, time seemed to stop.

A large red dragon awaited the arrival of his host with bated breath, the room he was in was shrouded in darkness, yet he knew that as soon as his host arrived, that would change. He felt a presence next to him and stiffened.

"It's just me." An angel dressed from head to foot in green armor said softly. She had a four point star on her face-plate.

"Sorry, I'm just worried about my first impression." The dragon replied. "Perhaps it would be best if I reverted to my... more human-like form." The dragon glowed white as he shrunk, he became a knight that had several red accents, including a Draconic helmet. "I still think that they should be at least a year older." The dragon turned knight told his companion.

"I know. If I could, I would wait several more years." The angel replied, "But the East's calamity is approaching far more quickly than either of us expected." She sighed. "I just wish you could still contact your partner."

"Trust me, I've tried." The knight replied, "Something, or someone doesn't want me to be able to pass through to him."

"They're here." The angel announced. As soon as she said this, a throne-room-esque surrounding was lit up as the two children appeared in a flash of light.

"Where are we?" The girl asked.

"I don't know, but maybe they do." The boy said, pointing to the angel and knight.

"We do indeed know, young Takato." The angel said, "I am Ophanimon, my companion is called called Gallantmon. As for where we are, Gallantmon and myself have used our combined energy to join your dreams in a dimension known as the Dark Ocean. The Dark Ocean is a realm adjacent to all digital worlds, which each have their own Parallel Earths." Ophanimon explained. "You two are from parallel worlds, yet your destinies are interwoven with each other."

"Takato Matsuki, you are the inheritor of both a curse, and a blessing, that has been passed down for many thousands of cycles." Gallantmon proclaimed, "You shall inherit the Digital Hazard, along with all the powers and responsibilities it entails." Gallantmon motioned to a symbol on his breastplate, it consisted of four triangles in the formation of a nuclear hazard sign, with the fourth triangle connecting the other three. "This is the symbol of the Hazard." Gallantmon continued. "You have been chosen to wield this power because the Hazard reacts with strong negative emotions, you, Takato Matsuki, have been shown to have an extraordinary amount of patience and reasoning, and you believe that all beings deserve a second chance. This makes you the perfect guardian for it."

"Kari Kamiya, you are the chosen of Light, your heart has both a large amount of Light and Darkness in it. The balance between them is almost perfect. The darkness you contain in your heart, however, is not evil. Darkness is not evil, it is just easier to corrupt." Ophanimon explained. "Due to this, your body needs no training, your heart and spirit however, do. You must learn to control both the darkness in your heart, and the Light of your soul."

"You two will train together, because the Hazard is a very unstable, and Light can help balance it out." Gallantmon told them.

"And the balance between Light and Darkness is extremely delicate, you must have someone who you wish to protect, to become their 'Guardian Angel.'" Ophanimon explained.

"And Takato, you must have someone you wish to protect with the power of the Hazard, to become their knight, and protect them." Gallantmon finished.

"What about our parents?" Takato asked. "Won't they wonder where we are?"

"We'll deal with your parents, they'll know what's happening." Ophanimon explained. "Takato, hopefully your father will be able to share some of his less known past with you." She told him, which made him look at her questioningly.

"We need to visit each of your parents now." Gallantmon told them. "We just need you two to get to know each other." As he said this, he disappeared in a flash of light.

"We will see you again soon, our friends." Ophanimon bowed as she too, disappeared.

"Well... I guess we should get to know each other." Takato said as he turned to Kari. "I'm Takato Matsuki, I live in Shinjuku above my parents bakery."

"I'm Kari Kamiya, I like watching my older brother Tai play soccer with his friend Sora." Kari told him.

"Maybe we could tell each other funny stories, so we can learn more about each other." Takato said, "I'll start..."

And so the beginning of a beautiful friendship was born...
 

Xadhoom

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It's a fanfiction, so get over it. Takato X Hikari pairing, Hazard Takato.
Yeah, it's pretty much this attitude (and the DLDR 'defense' you espouse) which tells me that regardless of whatever feedback you receive, you'll reject it unless it's hollow praise. Incidentally, you're wrong: sticking the 'fanfiction' label on it doesn't excuse you from trying to make the story seem plausible. It doesn't need to be canon-compliant, no, but you do need to explain and/or depict how deviations from the canon status quo come about.

From the top: Your prose is on the better end of decent, nothing spectacular but very much readable. However, I find several faults in the writing so far.

The chapter's flow is kinda rushed, it's one sentence-into-another with no breathing room or time to see their reactions in-between; it's by and large an expositional river of mud in a landscape.

You also have a tendency to essentially go on autopilot, into omniscient narrator mode when it is a character's viewpoint the narrative shifts to (like Gallantmon motioning for them to look at his Hazard insignia).

You furthermore rely greatly on inventing things out of whole cloth to enable this story. In order: Ophanimon and Gallantmon having psychic powers on a transdimensional scale; Gallantmon and Megidramon being one and the same; the Dark Ocean being able to host dreams. For that matter, why isn't Dagomon doing something about this intrusion into his realm? All of these hamper my suspension of disbelief.

A pretty glaring plot hole is that it is only Ophanimon and Gallantmon doing something about this, as opposed to all fifteen/sixteen members of their groups, especially because there are only the most tenuous ties between the Digidestined and Tamer and Celestial and Royal Knight in-universe. This part of it is working more off metafictional grouping of the characters, than in-world logic.

But the East's calamity is approaching far more quickly than either of us expected.
Also, this. You're working off wrong information here. The Adventureverse DW isn't the 'east' of anything. Please don't rehash nonsense about 'Quadrants'.

Bottom line: I could see this growing into an entertaining fic, but not really in its present form.
 
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