I am pretty much only using this threads, when I am really fed up with everything, it seems...
But yeah. By now I am really fed up again.
This time not with the situation, but with the people.
Really. I mean, after my apprenticeship I worked for an US company in Berlin for half a year, before I started to go to University right in the area, where I grew up. And, apart from the general feeling that a lot of people at my University are relying on me to much, stuff is kinda doing well right now. I got a scholarship, I have a nice part-time job and I am well respected at the University.
But... Really, something makes me think.
Over the last months I broke with two friends and I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend. And the reason is pretty much the same for all three: They lyied to me, they broke promises and... How can I put it? They just never did me any favors.
The whole thing with my ex-boyfriend with whom I had a relationship for over 5 years, probably was most fucked up. I mean, to be honest, I really did not feel well with that relationship for the last two years, after I moved away from Austria (which was pretty much the happiest day of my live), as he often did not have time to talk via Skype and we saw each other like three times a year. But the really bad part was, that he was always lying. Even when we were still living together, he always lied to me, as he was to lazy to deal with certain stuff. I mean, he paid stuff for me, but apart from that he did nothing for me. He did not even bother to loose weight or anything, even though he already had had an heart attack with just 25. I mean... Really. The reason, why I broke up, still was, that he always expected me to spend christmas with his fucked up family (really, his mother is a total controll freak and a maniac). He promised me though, that he would spend 2012's christmas with me. But then he told me, that he had got this awesome job that would pay well, but which - so he said - would be during the holidays. Well, so I spend christmas with a close friend of mine and her family (which really was a good decision, as this probably was the best christmas I had in years... I mean, people actually were HAPPY I was there)... Just to find out, as he was stupid enough to write an email when he was drunk, that he actually was not working in Vienna but at home with his family and he lied to me, just to spend christmas there, even though he promised me to spend it with me. From what I can tell, he probably made the whole "job in Vienna" thing up, even though he came up with a very lame excuse when I asked him about it.
And really, I don't like people lying to me. Especially not my boyfriend. So I broke up. Small lies are one thing, such a big one is something else.
Then there is another friend, with whom I broke. Let's call him Bernd.
Bernd actually were living in another country for a long time, as his dad got a job there, so the whole family moved there. I visited him once in summer holidays and stuff. It was nice. So Bernd now wanted to move back to Germany to start studying fashion design at a German University. He actually had applied for that University and always put it that was, as if he was already accepted. Well, I did my best to find him a place to stay, as I was living in a one room apartement at that time and could not take him in, but it is way either to find a room or an appartment if you are already there. So yeah, he had somewhere to stay, and I also went to all those offices with him (like registering him to now live in Germany again, register him at the employment office and so on), as he never had done anything like that before. And then I found out that... Surprise! Actually, no, the University had not accepted him and so he was workless now, as he, in his endless foresight, had only applied for ONE University.
Well, that sucks. But what sucked even more was him trying to find a job. "Oh, I can do anything. I will just try to apply for the University next year again." Yeah, anything like... "No, I won't bartend, people might think I am gay." - "No, I cannot clean stuff. That's gross." - "No, I cannot work at the cinema, that are to many people for me." And stuff like that. So I went to someone I know who worked as a tailor and asked him, whether he could take Bernd in as an apprentice. He said he would do that. But Bernd was: "I cannot do an apprenticeship! That takes three years! And I want to go to University next year!" And the fun thing... It is widely known, that said University favours people, who are trained tailors, for their fashion design classes.
So Bernd was sitting in his appartment - the one I got for him - and pretty much doing nothing, but spend time on the internet with the old laptop of mine I loaned him, chatting with his family at home and looking at job offers he would not take due to different reasons. He would not go to cinema with me, nor do any other stuff in his free time (and yes, as the German state does pay for your everything, you have money for some freetime activity), nor would he do me any small favours that would not have cost him anything but maybe one or two hours of his mostly wasted time.
And really, I felt used... Because pretty much everything he had, I got him. I did not pay for it, but I got it for him or loaned it to him. And when I tried to talk to him, it was the whole "Oh, I really do try to find a job." And that was just... To much for me. Because, really, it never took me longer then three days to find a new job in Germany. If you are really just looking for a parttime job, it is not that hard to find. Especially as I brought him some offers... And at that point I really was fed up with him... And pretty much never talked with him ever since.
And just this week... Well, the same story again. Now with another friend, let's call her Christy.
Christy had always had one big, big weekness: She had little to no self-esteem. She thought she could not do anything. But well. She finished high school and - like me - did an apprenticeship first, which she finished, too. After that her family moved and she moved with them. There actually was one issue with her family. Always was: When her parents said "Jump" Christy would only ask "How far?" She would complain about that to my best friend (let's call her Mary) and me, but she never would stand up to her parents.
Now Christy had started to go to University last year. She wanted to study physics and science... But it became apparent pretty fast: She was just not made for the University. The mass of people, the organization and pretty much everything just grew over her head and she became depressive. If she had time to talk to Mary or me, she would just complain that she could not do anything. And she really did not have a lot of time. Well, she wanted to drop her studies in science and start studying arts and Mary and I talked to her parents, so they would let her.
Well, they did. But then... Stuff turned out differently.
While Christy was studying she did not have much time for us. She did not have much time to talk to us, to watch DVD with out or go to cinema with us (that pretty much are the only freetime activities she likes to do anyway). Now she could not start to study art design, before September and she suddenly decided that she actually did not want to go to University, but just to take up an apprenticeship at some company. Well, Mary, who is a qualified Designer herself, did not think it was a good idea, but as Christy was really set on this, we accepted it... Until she was just talking about applying to this or that company... But the only companies she did apply to, were... Well... They did not have a good reputation and Mary new that. But the problem: Those companies, who do have a good reputation, want their applicants to do a portfolio of at least five different works... But even though Christy loves to draw... "It is so boring doing that work for the portfolio. I will rather draw another fanart." And so she did... Either that or some domestic work for her parents or... She sat in front of her TV doing absolutely nothing.
She did not spend time with either Mary or me, nor did she work on her applications or her portfolio, nor did she fulfill any promises she made to Mary or me. And again she came up with super lame escuses (super lame as in ... She just cannot lie).
To be honest, those promises to me either were about meeting up to watch a movie or to comment on one of my stories, which she originally loved, but... Well... She got stuck in another fandom and - actually that was just another big problem - pretty much lived in that fandom, as in she was only thinking about things related to that fandom and only talking about things related to that fandom and only working on stuff related to that fandom... Which drives you nuts, if you are not in the fandom yourself and the girl just does not got any hints (even if you make them obvious) that you would like to change the subject.
But really, apart from that: Those promises were nothing that big. And, no, I would not be so angry, if it was just once or if she actually worked on her stuff... But she just did nothing. And if I or Mary asked her what happened to this or that she actually wanted to do (not only stuff she promised to us, but also stuff she wanted to do for herself), the answer was: "I did not feel like it."
And at some point I really lost it and I gave it to her streight that I just could not take her fangirling and apart from that doing nothing anymore... And, well, first she said nothing and went over to Mary, who pretty much just said: "Well, Kaen was a little hard, but basicly I totally agree with her." Then Christy tried her classy apology. "I am sorry. I am a bad person. You are totally right about everything. Please forgive me." And the thing is: That is classy for her. If she apologizes like that you can bet, she does not mean it, she just does not want to argue. And that's pretty much what I told her. And then she started to insult me and go like "You are not better then me. You are just sitting in front of your PC the whole day!" (The last thing is totally true, as I am studying computer science and have a parttime job as a webdesigner.) The thing is: I go to University. I have a job. I have friends whom I spend a lot of time with. And additionally I do volunteer work. So... I am really anything but lazy or unreliable. I mean, it is true that I cannot always keep my promises, but when I cannot that is either, because I got sick, or because University or work got in my way, not because "I did not feel like it."
And, well, I have not spoken to her since.
And by now I wonder... Am I overdoing it? Do I expect to much from other people? Am I exaggerating, when I get angry, because people break a couple of small promises?
I mean, the thing is... There are other friends, friends that I am not as close with, as I were with those people, that I could always rely on. Even some of the people I cannot stand and where it is the same the other way around are sometimes more relyable then those...
Ah, I don't know. I just wanted to get this off my mind.
