I Hate Myself so Much

KoreeluStromboli

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In 2016, me drawing suddenly started to feel uncomfortable. I started to have months in which I didn't upload any art. For years, I was able to upload art every month since October 2011 and I finally failed at doing that in 2016.

In July 2016, I got so upset over my ruined productivity that I spent the rest of the year doing nothing and trying to figure out what the problem was, to no avail. Apparently I had an art block. All that wasted time.

If only I drew one artwork for each month, I would've been able to upload complete art summaries for 2016 and 2017. I should've executed that plan but I didn't because I didn't want drawing to make me feel uncomfortable. How foolish I was.

Because of my huge mistake that led to 2016 being ruined for me, I have really bad depression that has ruined 2017, 2018, 2019 and the 1st quarter of 2020 for me and I don't like drawing anymore.

I hate myself so much. I will never forgive myself for the harm my mistake has caused me. I make myself sick, I cannot live with myself and I will forever be my own enemy. I could kill myself to end my constant pain but I only have one ruined life to salvage. All that matters right now is what I do now that will require enough concentration to keep my head clear.

There is no point in trying to make myself happy. I can't stay happy to save my life. I may as well be killed so a favour would be done to me and possibly the world.

If you have something you don't want to lose and you have a plan to prevent it being lost, make sure you carry it out because if you don't, the regret from not doing so will be a kind of hurt that never goes away, ruining your mental health, making you constantly sick to your stomach and making you hate yourself because you could've prevented it. That is a living hell I wouldn't wish on my hypothetical worst enemy, excluding myself.

Thank you for reading.
 

Digiforlife

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hey! as a fellow human being who has struggled with self-hate and depression for ages I would like to say that you are not alone and people as myself will keep supporting you to help you overcome this. Please let me know (or anyone else) if there are anything we can help.:)
 

Sarabande__

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I hope things start getting better for you. If your feeling down or something put adventure on that always cheers me up.
 

McGann

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Here are some videos that helped me when I was experiencing similar feelings:



 

arisniko1

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First of all, get a hold of yourself and pick yourself up! Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up! (OK, I got that last one from TDK trilogy, but still.)
While I'm not exactly in your position, I do suffer from self-loathing and depression too; Thankfully I learned to recognise that in my case mostly other people are causing it for me.
Whatever the case, you should know that most of us do have this list of things that you hate and suffer from at some point in our lives, in spades. But this too shall pass. You should always remember that!
And...! You are on withthewill.net right? So I assume that you love Digimon as much as the rest of us? Do what I do. Whenever I feel down, or depressed at work or not concentrated, or hopeless I doodle the DigiDestined crests on whatever piece of paper I have in front of me. And I'm always reminded of all the good qualities that I, myself have or that there are in the world... courage, friendship, love, knowledge, sincerity, reliability, hope, light, kindness...
Those are not to be taken lightly.
 

Sarabande__

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First of all, get a hold of yourself and pick yourself up! Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up! (OK, I got that last one from TDK trilogy, but still.)
While I'm not exactly in your position, I do suffer from self-loathing and depression too; Thankfully I learned to recognise that in my case mostly other people are causing it for me.
Whatever the case, you should know that most of us do have this list of things that you hate and suffer from at some point in our lives, in spades. But this too shall pass. You should always remember that!
And...! You are on withthewill.net right? So I assume that you love Digimon as much as the rest of us? Do what I do. Whenever I feel down, or depressed at work or not concentrated, or hopeless I doodle the DigiDestined crests on whatever piece of paper I have in front of me. And I'm always reminded of all the good qualities that I, myself have or that there are in the world... courage, friendship, love, knowledge, sincerity, reliability, hope, light, kindness...
Those are not to be taken lightly.
That's very well said. I've tried to draw aswell but I'm hopeless. But what this person needs to do is get back into drawing and keep their minds busy that always works for me. Not the drawing part for me but keeping busy lol.
 

arisniko1

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First of all, get a hold of yourself and pick yourself up! Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up! (OK, I got that last one from TDK trilogy, but still.)
While I'm not exactly in your position, I do suffer from self-loathing and depression too; Thankfully I learned to recognise that in my case mostly other people are causing it for me.
Whatever the case, you should know that most of us do have this list of things that you hate and suffer from at some point in our lives, in spades. But this too shall pass. You should always remember that!
And...! You are on withthewill.net right? So I assume that you love Digimon as much as the rest of us? Do what I do. Whenever I feel down, or depressed at work or not concentrated, or hopeless I doodle the DigiDestined crests on whatever piece of paper I have in front of me. And I'm always reminded of all the good qualities that I, myself have or that there are in the world... courage, friendship, love, knowledge, sincerity, reliability, hope, light, kindness...
Those are not to be taken lightly.
That's very well said. I've tried to draw aswell but I'm hopeless. But what this person needs to do is get back into drawing and keep their minds busy that always works for me. Not the drawing part for me but keeping busy lol.
Exactly! Get back on the horse, keeping busy, remember all those things that are -and have been- good for us. I know they are all cliche and cheesy but there is a reason for it. Because they mostly work! And if you need an outlet we're all here! "Show me your brave heart!"
 

Vande

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You need to make an appointment with your GP asap as you are feeling suicidal. They are the best people to help at present, not this forum.

We all share a common love for Digimon in someway, shape or form. But when it comes to situations like this, you need the professionals.
 

Hachiko96

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In 2016, me drawing suddenly started to feel uncomfortable. I started to have months in which I didn't upload any art. For years, I was able to upload art every month since October 2011 and I finally failed at doing that in 2016.

In July 2016, I got so upset over my ruined productivity that I spent the rest of the year doing nothing and trying to figure out what the problem was, to no avail. Apparently I had an art block. All that wasted time.

If only I drew one artwork for each month, I would've been able to upload complete art summaries for 2016 and 2017. I should've executed that plan but I didn't because I didn't want drawing to make me feel uncomfortable. How foolish I was.

Because of my huge mistake that led to 2016 being ruined for me, I have really bad depression that has ruined 2017, 2018, 2019 and the 1st quarter of 2020 for me and I don't like drawing anymore.

I hate myself so much. I will never forgive myself for the harm my mistake has caused me. I make myself sick, I cannot live with myself and I will forever be my own enemy. I could kill myself to end my constant pain but I only have one ruined life to salvage. All that matters right now is what I do now that will require enough concentration to keep my head clear.

There is no point in trying to make myself happy. I can't stay happy to save my life. I may as well be killed so a favour would be done to me and possibly the world.

If you have something you don't want to lose and you have a plan to prevent it being lost, make sure you carry it out because if you don't, the regret from not doing so will be a kind of hurt that never goes away, ruining your mental health, making you constantly sick to your stomach and making you hate yourself because you could've prevented it. That is a living hell I wouldn't wish on my hypothetical worst enemy, excluding myself.

Thank you for reading.

I have a similar issue I used to love singing drawing writing building Gunpla then my depression got far
worse and it got in the way.

You need to seek professional help this link has a list of hot lines by country contact one of them and they should be able to help you.

Remember it's not about what you can't do it's about what you can focus on the effort you are making in other areas.
Remember that you are appreciated loved and valued by someone.
Please seek help.
 

VanChizzle

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@OP I agree that you should visit a professional - please don't feel as if you have nowhere to turn to. You've been strong enough to make it this far, someone (an expert) just has to give you that little bit extra to help out. We all need assistance in some way, shape or form at some point in our lives and there's nothing wrong with getting that.

If you don't mind sharing, I'd love to check out your art and I'm sure others here would too. :)
 

KoreeluStromboli

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I hope things start getting better for you. If your feeling down or something put adventure on that always cheers me up.
Thank you. There is no point in trying to cheer myself up because it will not take me long to feel horrible, making what I did to make me happy a complete waste of time I will never get back.

First of all, get a hold of yourself and pick yourself up! Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up! (OK, I got that last one from TDK trilogy, but still.)
While I'm not exactly in your position, I do suffer from self-loathing and depression too; Thankfully I learned to recognise that in my case mostly other people are causing it for me.
Whatever the case, you should know that most of us do have this list of things that you hate and suffer from at some point in our lives, in spades. But this too shall pass. You should always remember that!
And...! You are on withthewill.net right? So I assume that you love Digimon as much as the rest of us? Do what I do. Whenever I feel down, or depressed at work or not concentrated, or hopeless I doodle the DigiDestined crests on whatever piece of paper I have in front of me. And I'm always reminded of all the good qualities that I, myself have or that there are in the world... courage, friendship, love, knowledge, sincerity, reliability, hope, light, kindness...
Those are not to be taken lightly.
That's very well said. I've tried to draw aswell but I'm hopeless. But what this person needs to do is get back into drawing and keep their minds busy that always works for me. Not the drawing part for me but keeping busy lol.
I have been drawing. I don't like it anymore because of myself and I despise myself for that, but the only things that matter at this point are that I don't spend time I will never get back doing nothing, I keep my head clear and I accomplish something huge that will give me a reason to like my life.
 

Hachiko96

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I hope things start getting better for you. If your feeling down or something put adventure on that always cheers me up.
Thank you. There is no point in trying to cheer myself up because it will not take me long to feel horrible, making what I did to make me happy a complete waste of time I will never get back.

First of all, get a hold of yourself and pick yourself up! Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up! (OK, I got that last one from TDK trilogy, but still.)
While I'm not exactly in your position, I do suffer from self-loathing and depression too; Thankfully I learned to recognise that in my case mostly other people are causing it for me.
Whatever the case, you should know that most of us do have this list of things that you hate and suffer from at some point in our lives, in spades. But this too shall pass. You should always remember that!
And...! You are on withthewill.net right? So I assume that you love Digimon as much as the rest of us? Do what I do. Whenever I feel down, or depressed at work or not concentrated, or hopeless I doodle the DigiDestined crests on whatever piece of paper I have in front of me. And I'm always reminded of all the good qualities that I, myself have or that there are in the world... courage, friendship, love, knowledge, sincerity, reliability, hope, light, kindness...
Those are not to be taken lightly.
That's very well said. I've tried to draw aswell but I'm hopeless. But what this person needs to do is get back into drawing and keep their minds busy that always works for me. Not the drawing part for me but keeping busy lol.
I have been drawing. I don't like it anymore because of myself and I despise myself for that, but the only things that matter at this point are that I don't spend time I will never get back doing nothing, I keep my head clear and I accomplish something huge that will give me a reason to like my life.
I wish you luck!
I believe in you!
 
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