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Thread: Things and Stuffs

  1. #1
    Junior Commander Clawwer's Avatar
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    Things and Stuffs

    I decided to make one of these threads to talk about my life and what I do basically, because my life has a habit of overindulging in drama.

    So for now I'm just gonna write a bit about some things about me. Really I'm typing whatever comes to my head first, so don't judge me on this. (Though if you're the kind of person who judges others personal ramblings, you're probably an ass hole.)

    I'm 16 currently, living in a small town in Australia. I've been officially diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression and Aspergers (and suicidal tendencies, but that's just me). I live my life day by day, cause' if I think about the future I pretty much throw up, there's too much to do and so many expectations. I'm actually very relaxed online, it's in real life that I let myself freak out, but if your a friend you'd see I love just being chill and doing relaxed things, which is kinda difficult for me. Music is my life in all terms, I listen to it probably for probably 4 hours every day, not even exaggerating and I play the drums any chance I get, I also do vocals but that's just me alone in my garage. My favorite genres would have to be; Metal, Deathcore, Post-Hardcore, Metalcore, Rap-Rock/Metal, Rap, Stoner Metal, Stoner Rock annnnnnnnd some electronic. So as you can see, I'm a metal* junkie. I can talk for hours about bands and vocal and songs and everything. I'm a philosophical guy, I question everything and why we are here and I seem like quite the nihilist if you care enough to talk to me about existence (I won't shut up about it, seriously). I swear like a sailor all the time, though I tone it down here obviously, I don't want to get banned for something as trivial as that.

    Now here comes the big bit, I'm a transgender male! Which basically means I was born a girl and my sex is female, however I identify as male and dress as a male and go by male and I am basically a boy in a girls body, which is so much fun. (Also if any of you start using female pronouns on me now you are also an ass hole.)

    As for my life at the moment, it's been up and down. I've recently been back into self-harm and can't seem to bring myself to stop, so that's a downer but I have moved to a new school recently and everything is amazing there. My parents are in the middle of a split and I barely see my father, though I'm planning on staying with him, so that is also stressful but I try not to worry about it too much. I'm lazy like a normal teenager x10 right now and I really cannot get any work done, so my school work is in a bit of a mess. Currently I've been getting myself into Nine Inch Nails and Tool and I've been absolutely in love with it, I've been listening to Closer by NIN on repeat and ugh I can't get enough of it. That's all I've got at the moment. Really.

    * Using Metal as an umbrella term.
    Last edited by Clawwer; 06-05-2014 at 07:22 PM.
    moo

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Faust's Avatar
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    I've found with self harm, is that it can help if you can stop a moment (I know its hard) and think, why am I doing this? What are my triggers? Do you know yours? My biggest one is when I feel like I have no voice or say, or any choice in what's going on around me, when no one's listening to me. That's when I want to do it the most. If I can identify that, and make myself breath, sometimes I can stop. Do you have a preferred method? Is it calculated or a bit rash? Mine can be both but it depends on the situation. If you're comfortable with saying, do you know the suicidal thoughts triggers too? Mine are similar to my self harm triggers, but usually i'm in a state where nothing I say or do will make sense, not really listening to reason. I can't comment too much on the trans aspect. I consider myself gender queer, but I've never really felt like I was unhappy with my female body. Sometimes I would like to be a man, but not always. Yet I'm more masculine on the gender scale. It's certainly weird. I doubt anyone will refer to you as female. Number one rule here is respect, after all.

  3. #3
    Junior Commander Clawwer's Avatar
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    I understand where you're coming from with the self harm Ice (figured that's what you like to be called), and I always try to stop and breath whenever something triggers me into thinking about it (When ever some one yells at me or gets extremely mad is a big trigger, which happened literally 5 minutes ago as I write this and I am trying not to let it get to me but I'm not doing a very good job) but at this moment in time, I really don't want to stop, I just don't feel the need to stop myself hurting myself at this time, and I don't really care if I bleed. That's the biggest problem I have now, even with the suicidal tendencies, I just don't care, I have a total lack of feeling for others or myself and I know that's pretty dangerous.

    But with that "I don't care" aspect, I can talk about it freely without feeling awkward or gross, so I'll go in-depth about my thoughts and triggers, just for you Ice.
    I find whenever I feel the need to self-harm, it's by impulse to cope with something bad that's happened. If a friend gets mad at me or if my mother yells it really frightens me and I cope with that fear by self harm, it makes me feel brave. That's basically the whole thing, I'm scared all the time so the self harm is more or less an escape from that, a thing I can do to make myself feel brave and accomplished, to me it's a 'talent', my ability to disregard my entire being and to just harm the very thing that makes up all of who I am, it pleases me to do that, it feels good. The suicidal tendencies appear when my fear goes to far, when I can't control what's happening and when I can't escape it (e.g. my whole life) and whenever things like that happen, I immediately dream of death, I'm too much of a coward to not take the easy way out, so that idea comes up a lot, along with many many failed attempts.

    I try not to focus on the trans* thing, since I know it can easily add to my many triggers if I let it grow too much in me, I just live as a boy and try my hardest to block out anyone who says otherwise. If there is a time where I have to be a girl (which is everyday) I just let it slide by, though it does hurt me a lot inside, at the end of the day everything else overshadows the thing that should be the biggest of my worries.


    But anyway, I do feel good sometimes, and at the moment I do not want to die, I've been going up and down like I said, I'm sure things may get better, because it sure hasn't been the worst I've gone through lately, though knowing my luck the roller-coaster that is my life may drop, we'll never know until it happens, so until then, thanks for talking to me about this Ice.
    Last edited by Clawwer; 06-05-2014 at 07:22 PM.
    moo

  4. #4
    I come from the net ShadowCat13's Avatar
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    I hope this topic can help you some. I cant really say anything about the self harm stuff, but I suffer from Depresson and Anxiety myself. The anxiety can hit me bad at times when it am thinking of getting out of the house for a bit. So I can understand how you could want to live in the now and not worry about the future. I think trying to prepare for later is good, but to not let it make you hide in a corner. What you do now will have a lasting effect for you. If you can I do hope you will manage to get your school work done. I myself had that problem, of not being able to do the work or care about it. I ended up dropping out of school when I was 17. I don't feel it was the wrong thing for me at the time, I could barley stay at school a couple hours with out my anxieties making physically ill, but I do regret it came to that.

    Have you even seen a Therapist for it? If you find one you are comfortable talking to it may help. I saw one when I as at my worst years ago. At times I still feel I could use one.

    If you want to be considered Male that's cool I have no problem with that. If that's what make you feel comfortable and happy then I don't see why anyone else should care. I'm not trans but I do love boys clothes, so much more comfy then girls stuff most of the time.
    The man who has no imagination has no wings.


  5. #5
    Super Moderator TMS's Avatar
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    Like ShadowCat, I would recommend getting some help from therapy. Do you have any experience with that, Faust?
    MY PROJECTS
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  6. #6
    Super Moderator Faust's Avatar
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    @TMS - Beyond what I learned in my college psychology courses, not really. I've been... extremely resistant to the idea of going myself. In part, I worry that my limited 'knowledge' might taint the experience, where I might feel like, 'I know what you're trying to do, it won't work on me', which is stupid. Also, I worry that I'm just not open to it, or that I won't be able to handle it. I can be pretty sensitive, and get defensive when I feel attacked. I think I'd end up pumping a loooot of time if I ever do eventually go.

    I know SC's said to me many times that it takes a few appointment to see/feel/notice the difference and the help it can bring. I'm just... stubborn. <_<

    @Clawwer - I understand the feeling to not want to stop. I can feel like that too. What I like about it is that I have control. I do something to my body, and it listens. Its one of the few things that does. I have control over that. I know it's not healthy in the long run though, so even though sometimes I really want to do it, I try and force myself to stop, though I get that can be hard if you don't have the 'drive' to stop.

    As for suicidal impulses, I don't really think there is an easy way out. The human body is... very resistant. It really tries its hardest to keep us alive. Which I suppose is a good thing when there's people like us who can want to do things to it that are detrimental to survival. When I do feel seriously suicidal, I'll look up webpages of survival, or just something to talk me out of it. Even if I don't really actually want to listen to it at the time. It's a distraction. Something to read. And usually the heat ends up going away. That pressure, the drive to want to do it.

    I worry that I can come off insensitive when talking about trans, as its such a different world than my own. I definitely feel that you should live as you want to though, to hell with what everyone else thinks. I do a lot of things that most women wouldn't dream of. Like not shaving, for one, and not wearing bras. I guess I'm kind of a naturalist. For the most part, besides the cutting, I leave my body alone.

    People stare at my legs when I'm out in shorts, but meh, fuck 'em. And oddly, I've found the most acceptance for my body at the nude beach here. There's so many different people there. No one ever stares. No one makes fun of everyone. You get the whole spectrum. And everyone is so friendly. It's one of my favorite places in Jersey.

    I think to some degree though, everyone wants something about their body to be different than it is, though I know it goes to an extreme (obviously) for trans people. For instance, I know that some trans women wish they could menstruate, even though that seems so weird to me. Like... you can be a woman, or a man, and not need to have every part or every experience to still feel like one. Women who get mastectomies for example, or men who are eunuchs. I can say too that as the years go on, things will get better, medically, socially. You're growing up in a really great era I think. My generation and yours are really standing up against the old social norms.
    Last edited by Faust; 05-16-2014 at 11:10 AM.

  7. #7
    Junior Commander Aether Engine's Avatar
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    Talking things out can certainly be helpful, I really hope you benefit from sharing what you have Clawwer. I'm not sure how relatable my situation is, but maybe it'll help to add. I've been in psychotherapy for about a month, because how how irritable I've been towards some friends, and because of a serious consideration at suicide. I've been diagnosed with “Situational Depression” thus far. I still consider suicide from time to time, and have considered self harm, though I feel thankful I've done nothing to myself so far. I've considered myself too much a coward to do such things at times, but it's a still a danger. And that feeling of not caring can be hard to stave off. Not caring if you die or how it may effect those around you. And I'm not sure there's an easy way to avert that apathy. Sometimes it can feel impossible to swim against the feeling that nothing good is ahead, or that you can't deal with what's ahead. I guess when it come to that you gotta find some way to convince yourself you got something to aim for. Or that there's some way you can break down an make the future work.

    Speaking for myself, going for walks (usually while listening to music) tends to help me a lot, I think it might have partially been why my attempt was unsuccessful, as a long walk preceded it, though I have no definite way of knowing. My psychologist said that the back-and-forth left-and-right activity of the legs can help the brain think, so maybe there's something to it.

    I have not had dramatic improvement in mood since I started seeking counseling, but as others have noted to me (and some have partially indicate here) it can take awhile to pull up and get into a level state of mind. Other tips when it comes to therapy that I feel are worth repeating. You're not stuck with a shrink. If you start seeing someone and don't feel comfortable talking with them, you can see someone else. And second, when you do start getting therapy, remember that just talking alone won't fix your situation. You need to do things to help change your life, take the words of counsel you get and turn them into reality.

    Another note: I left my phone at home when I made my attempt (had big lack of desire to be stopped or bothered by anyone), and nowadays I try to avoid going anywhere without my phone to make sure I can contact family, friends, or a crisis hotline. I recommend always having a way out like that. Maybe you don't think you'll use it, but it's something. You'd be surprise what a little talking and openness can do to help.

    When it comes to divorce, I know that's a tough spot to be in. I was around your age when my parents split, and it can definitely be an unpleasant situation, even when everything goes “right”. 7 years later, it can still hit a tender spot for me. Just keep pushing through it though. I'm sure you're loved, and that you got some better days ahead of you. Maybe you're feeling lazy and demotivated, but thankfully you got the structure of school to give you something to do, as hard as it can be to want to get anything done sometimes.

    On a less depressing note, all power to you for your gender identity bro! Got no problem considering you to be male, and I hope progressively more people have no problem with it either.
    Walking past the rolling winds, I don't if the stars I gaze to will hold the answers. Rather, I know they will not, though I hope they will show me something I haven't considered. Searching, for that "voice", that feeling that pulses through and possesses with inspiration...

    ... Are you there?

  8. #8
    Junior Commander Clawwer's Avatar
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    Now, before I make an update I want you all to know I read everything you guys sent me before, I just really don't know how to reply at the moment, but you're all a huge help so thanks so much guys!

    Well, where do I start...I'm at school at the moment, so I guess I'll start there. I'm doing horrid at school, but I'm not stressed about it. I don't do my work, I mess around, teachers hate me and I don't care, I have a job that pays well and I am qualified enough now to make a job out of it that I can do for the rest of my life. I'm about to do my Cert II and III which means that I will have enough knowledge to do the job efficiently and to be qualified enough to work at any pharmacy I choose, which is why I really think I'm just wasting my time at school now. I couldn't care less about it, it's not enjoyable to me and I really don't see why I should keep going. I get into a hell lot of fights, just last week I beat a kid bloody for being a huge prick, I don't regret it but I know it was the wrong thing to do. I just don't feel like I belong there anymore, I feel like I'm above all the others at school. While they're all laughing at the word poopy and getting their mothers to pack their lunch for them, I'm fully prepared for adult life. I have 10,000+ saved up so far just for part-time work. I could move out comfortably right now and start working full time whenever I wanted too.

    It's a superiority complex that I'm stuck in at the moment, I just don't feel like anyone is worth my time. This has caused me to throw out some of my closest friends recently, simply because it was too difficult to keep them in my life and too difficult to keep them out of my head, they'd always try to figure me out and try and fix me, it was getting very obnoxious for me so I just told them all they were scum and to fuck off. I am a horrible person, aren't I? I mean, I'm aware I am at the moment, I'm being a right prick, but I just don't care. It's like the world has left me extremely bitter at the moment, I'm simply the bad guy to make it easier on me and I am aware of it. Sorry guys. I don't know how else to explain it, so I'm gonna leave it there.

    On the plus side, I got a SHITTON of music from my older cousin, like 7 cd's to put on my Ipod. I'm so happy and gosh I can't stop listening to it all. Music does make me quite happy.
    ALSO I bought an Ocarina, learned how to play it, then dropped it and broke it. It was quite a crushing moment, considering playing music on it made me quite happy and I was quite attached to it. I don't really want to get a new one now, I'm pretty disheartened about it.

    BUT ANOTHER HAPPY THING I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm super excited, my sister is 3 weeks in and I just can't contain myself. We think it's gonna be a little boy and we call him Megatron for now (lol) as a nickname. I'm gonna help raise this kid right, I don't want him to end up like me.


    Well, that's about it guys, I'm so happy I can get it off my chest in a place like this, it really helps.
    Last edited by Clawwer; 06-05-2014 at 07:22 PM.
    moo

  9. #9
    Super Moderator Faust's Avatar
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    Well I can say that life is unpredictable and even though you think you're set for a job anything can happen and luck factors into it pretty big. Ive got 7k in the bank now but once had ovee 10k like you. Then my country's politions screwed us over. Itncam happen anywhere.

    People may want to figure you out but that's only because they care though I get why it might seem overwhelming. Yoy may not feel bad now but if youre app was as telling as i think it was, i think saying you dont care is just a cover up. Maybe you dont want to feel because its too hard. But treating people badly for that is wrong, as you know. Especially around your age. I know from personal experience tjat it can really hurt. Mayhe you need to have a talk with them and explain that. Come clean abiut yourself. That you just need to be who you are and not worry about them figuring you out. Even if theyrr trying to because they care.

    Of anything let school be fun. I know that's BLASPHEMY but if it weren't for the hole work I really enjoyed learning new things. I miss it a lot now. I'm not going to be too preachy and say you should apologize to your closer friends but that is how I feel. Everyone needs people in their lives, even if distant connections. And maybe it's my quasi socialist outlook but I don't think anyone is better than anyone else. I think everyone has qualities that they exceed in over others and can be equally as interesting as useful.

    And btb I don't think that anyone is scum. You're not a bad person and neither were your friends. You're just going through a lot of things that are too much for your developing prefrontal cortex to handle. Your age group, believe it or not, kind of goes through a terrible twos phase while your brain develops.

    I guess im a bit sensitive to throwing the friends out because that happened to me in a high school. My best screamed at me in the middle of the hall to fuck off and get out of her life, and it messed me up pretty bad at the time. I'm sure she had reasons, but I don't think it justifies cutting out someone trying to help.

    Sorry for the morality lessons. I'm not really trying to guilt you. Just sharing my limited wisdom and knowledge. 😑😧
    Last edited by Faust; 06-06-2014 at 04:06 AM.

  10. #10
    Junior Commander Clawwer's Avatar
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    Ya know, I look up to you a lot sometimes Ice, you seem to know what you're talking about and you still go through the same stuff as me and I feel like you're now my teacher of stuff whether you like it or not. You help me learn about RPing and Digimon AND life, what more could a brat ask for?

    All well, I'll talk about my life now.
    I've been up and down, been in hospital, got out of hospital. Remade old friendships, gotten rid of new ones. Lot's of stuff. For the moment I'm not really sad or happy, I'm something in between and so I can't really talk about how I felt in those situations because I dunno, I just can't remember the feeling, I can't explain it. I'm detached I guess but that's okay.

    My band got a gig, it went super well we sold merch and that was super amazing. We have fans now. Uh my sisters pregnant so I'm gonna be an uncle to a little boy which is exciting. And I think that's it.

    Wait no, I'm doing super bad at school but I sat down with my work education teacher and we figured out what I'm gonna be doing for Year 11 and 12 and it'll be okay so I won't be doing any difficult stuff and I can focus on work and that should be good but my mum didn't like that and took all my stuff away till i start getting A's and B's and that's alright I guess but even when I'm trying my hardest I can only get like C's but that's okay I'm alright.

    So yeah, woo!
    moo

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